May 13, 1944
\nIt\u2019s hard, you know? I look down at my newborn son, this beautiful baby. I expect to feel nothing short of joy, but I don\u2019t. Two days ago, I was in Nova Scotia serving as a guard when I got a call that my wife had given birth, but shortly after she \u2013 she was gone. So here I was, staring at my three-day-old son, feeling conflicted with emotions of joy and resentment. Resentment, anger: they make me feel like a monster. Maybe I am a monster. I didn\u2019t want to be there, but where would I go? I couldn\u2019t go home. How could I face my other children? Eight kids left without a mother. Nine. This boy \u2013 my son, Billy \u2013 probably my last child. He has no concept of the pain his family is feeling. They say ignorance is bliss, but I never believed I\u2019d envy a baby as much as I do Billy. He had no part in all of this. He never asked to be born or for her\u2026 her death. He didn\u2019t take away my Pearl.<\/p>\n
\u201cWould you like to go in and see him?\u201d said a feminine voice behind me, startling me back to reality. I turned to see a nurse. No one else would be going in to see him. He had no one, no one but me.<\/p>\n
I replied aggressively, \u201cOf course I would.\u201d I realized the harshness of my voice and took a breath. Clearing my throat, I corrected myself, \u201cBest I do. The boy needs someone to take care of him.\u201d With a smile, she led me into the nursery. She picked up the boy and passed him to me. He gurgled, and with that small sound he changed everything. This wasn\u2019t some boy \u2013 this was my boy.<\/p>\n
As I stared down at my beautiful child, almost forgetting my loss, I heard the door to the nursery open, bringing me back to reality. I looked and saw my mother, no emotion on her face. \u201cI came as soon as I heard. Is this him?\u201d she said, holding her arms out, silently requesting the baby. I passed Billy to her. \u201cOh, well, isn\u2019t he a cute child. It\u2019s so hard losing a spouse, but at least we got this wonderful thing out of it.\u201d Her words were somewhat sweet, but I could still hear a chill in her tone. \u201cIt won\u2019t be difficult for him to find a new home. The older children, on the other hand, might not be so easy. Not many adopting parents want eight and nine-year-olds.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d I responded. I hoped to God she wasn\u2019t suggesting what I thought she was. \u201cWhat do you mean, \u2018new home\u2019?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
She tried to change her tone to match her sweet as sugar words, and replied, \u201cOh, William, nine children all on your own? That\u2019s just far too much for you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not abandoning him, Mom,\u201d I argued. I could feel my temper rising with every word. \u201cI\u2019m not abandoning any of my kids!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease, William, you are making a scene,\u201d she said, pleading with me as if I were a child.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m making a scene? You\u2019re the one talking about giving away my kids.\u201d My voice was getting louder, and I could hear my heart thumping in my ears over the words I was saying.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot all of them. Mary and Thelma are practically young ladies now. I\u2019m only thinking about the young ones, Dolly,\u00a0Breta, maybe Margie, and, of course\u2026\u201d she lifted my son slightly, using him as a prop in her argument, \u201c… this one here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBilly!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cHis name is Billy!\u201d I yelled, pulling the newborn back into my arms. \u201cI\u2019m taking him home to the rest of our family, and you can\u2019t stop me, Mom.\u201d With that, I walked back over to Billy\u2019s nursery bed and set him down. He had his mother\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n
—–<\/p>\n
I walked into my house on Grafton Street, followed by my mother-in-law who was holding Billy. I was greeted by my three-year-old daughter, Dolly, jumping into my arms. \u201cDaddy!\u201d she screeched. She was happy to see me after such a long absence. Too happy. Had no one told her? She squirmed in my arms to see her grandmother.<\/p>\n
\u201cHi, Nanny!\u201d she gasped, \u201cIs that my baby brother?\u201d<\/p>\n
I walked into the kitchen to see the rest of the children, the girls all red-eyed from crying. In the corner of the room sat my only other son, Ernie. His face was scrunched up in a scowl as he tried to hold back his tears. He was trying to stay strong for the girls. I stood in the doorway as the children\u2019s eyes looked up at me. We all stood still for a moment, no one wanting to move. Sitting at the table was Thelma, the second oldest, feeding\u00a0Breta, the youngest next to Billy. Joining them at the table were the three middle girls, Lois, Pearl and Margie; the three of them were playing some card game. Standing by the counter was the eldest, Mary, buttering toast. She was the first to move as she walked the plate of toast over to me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou beg me to make you toast and then run away before it\u2019s done?\u201d Mary teased, passing a piece of toast to Dolly, who giggled in response and took too big of a bite out of it.<\/p>\n
I put Dolly down and said, \u201cMary, can you meet me in the living room?\u201d she listened and walked out of the room. I looked over at my second child and called, \u201cThelma?\u201d She looked over, and I motioned for her to follow me. She stood up and followed me to the living room. I sat on the chesterfield as the girls stood in front of me.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo they all know? You know, with your mother \u2013\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAbout her death?\u201d Mary stopped me. This girl had too much of my mother in her.<\/p>\n
I cleared my throat uncomfortably. \u201cYes. About that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, Grandma was by\u2026 she said something about the girls going to a new\u2026\u201d Thelma said with a look of concern on her face.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t listen to a thing that woman says. No one is raising my children, except me,\u201d I reassured them. \u201cGood, so everyone knows.\u201d<\/p>\n
Thelma shuffled nervously and muttered, \u201cWell\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
The girls shared an uneasy look, and Mary replied, \u201cWe tried\u2026 Dad. Dolly didn\u2019t quite get it, and it was just\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cToo hard?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cExactly,\u201d Thelma said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe rest understood,\u201d Mary stated.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou got your seventeen-year-old brother to understand? Great, I\u2019m so proud of you,\u201d I said, sarcastically putting my head in my hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, you try explaining the concept of death to a three-year-old!\u201d Mary snapped back.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m\u00a0gonna\u00a0have to now, aren\u2019t I?\u201d I yelled back at her. She looked hurt for a moment before her face transformed into a look of pure venom. She turned and made her way to the front door, grabbing her coat off of the rack beside it. With a slam, she was gone.<\/p>\n
Thelma turned back to me as a look of anger and confusion twisted on her face, \u201cDad, I know you\u2019re going through a lot, but so are the rest of us. Don\u2019t act like you\u2019re the only one hurting.\u201d She spun around and walked back to the kitchen in a huff. I knew this could break Dolly\u2019s heart if I messed this up. All the kids adored their mother. Pearl always knew exactly what to say when it came to the kids. Did she ever feel this lost?<\/p>\n
My mother-in-law popped her head in the room as she asked with genuine sweetness, \u201cWillie, dear, I\u2019m putting something on for the kids to eat. Do you want anything?\u201d<\/p>\n
I gave her an exhausted smile and replied, \u201cNo, Maisie, I\u2019m fine.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFine? You know, grief isn\u2019t a substitute for a warm meal,\u201d she stated as she made her way over to the chesterfield and sat beside me.<\/p>\n
I looked over at her. She was so strong. \u201cI don\u2019t know how you do it. If I lost one of my kids, I don\u2019t know what I\u2019d do.\u201d<\/p>\n
She placed her hand on mine, \u201cOh, Willie, since I found out about Pearl, I\u2019ve been on the edge of falling to pieces, but I can\u2019t.\u201d She pointed towards the kitchen, \u201cThese kids need someone. They need their nanny, and they need their father. Now, I\u2019m not going to judge you for how you just spoke to Mary and Thelma, but when that girl gets home, you owe her an apology. If you can\u2019t do that, maybe Margaret is right about you not being able to take care of these kids. I\u2019m rooting for you, Willie, I really am. So please, for God\u2019s sake, do not make me agree with that woman.\u201d<\/p>\n
I laughed. I loved my mother, but she was a hard woman to get along with. I took a long breath in, \u201cYou\u2019re right, you\u2019re right. I just don\u2019t know how to tell Dolly. She\u2019s just a little\u00a0girl;\u00a0she hasn\u2019t even started school yet. How do I tell her that her mother isn\u2019t coming home…?\u201d\u00a0I trailed off.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou be direct and clear. We don\u2019t want to give her hope where there isn\u2019t any.\u201d And with that, she stood up. \u201cI better get that supper on. Don\u2019t want these children to starve.\u201d She started towards the kitchen.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaisie?\u201d She stopped and turned back to face me. \u201cCould you tell Dolly to meet me up in my bedroom?\u201d I asked. She gave me a smile and a nod.<\/p>\n
Our room was a mess. It hadn\u2019t been touched since the girls helped Pearl put her hospital bag together when she went into labour. I went around and picked up her clothes that were carelessly thrown about and closed the drawers that had been left open. I went over to a picture hanging on the wall farthest from the door; it was of her. I took it down and stared at it.<\/p>\n
\u201cDaddy?\u201d said a small voice. I looked over to see my three-year-old daughter.<\/p>\n
I went over to the bed and sat down. \u201cCome over here, Dolly, I need to talk to you.\u201d I patted the place beside me on the bed. She slowly made her way over and climbed up next to me.<\/p>\n
\u201cAm I in trouble, Daddy?\u201d she asked, on the verge of tears.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, not at all, sweetheart.\u201d She quickly relaxed upon hearing this. \u201cSo, what did your sisters tell you about your mother?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey said Mommy had to go away and I won\u2019t see her for a while, but Daddy? When is Mommy coming home?\u201d she innocently asked.<\/p>\n
I took several breaths, not wanting to answer. I wasn\u2019t ready for this. \u201cDolly, Mommy can\u2019t come home, she\u2019s gone to heaven. Do you know what heaven is?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThelma said it\u2019s where people move when they get old but\u2026 but Mommy\u2019s not old,\u201d tears began streaming down her face.<\/p>\n
I pulled her into a hug and replied, holding back tears of my own, \u201cI know, but people who are really sick sometimes go there too, and your mother\u2026 she was really sick, and God took her to heaven.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, I\u2019ll never see Mommy again?\u201d Her tears soaked through my shirt.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou will, just not for a long time. You\u2019ll see her in heaven,\u201d I said, squeezing her tightly.<\/p>\n
She pulled away, satisfied with this answer, and sniffed, looking up at me, \u201cOkie\u00a0dokie, Daddy, but you promise I\u2019ll see her when I\u2019m old?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI promise,\u201d I said, pulling her in for another hug.<\/p>\n
\u201cI love you, Daddy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI love you too, sweetheart.\u201d With that, she jumped off the bed and ran out of the room, leaving me alone. I looked at Pearl\u2019s photo again. Would you have handled that the same way?<\/p>\n
—–<\/p>\n
At two in the morning, I made my way into the kitchen. I had given up the notion of getting any sleep. As I grabbed a glass out of the cupboard, I saw the porch light on from the corner of my eye. I ran over and threw the door open, hoping and praying that it was Mary. She hadn\u2019t come home since our fight earlier in the day. To my surprise, it wasn\u2019t my daughter, but Ernie taking a long drag from a cigarette. As I walked out, he looked up at me and held out a cigarette to me. I took it and lit it with a match Ernie had beside him on a table. \u201cYou heard anything from Mary?\u201d I asked, inhaling.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot a peep,\u201d he answered, gazing out into the street.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis isn\u2019t like her. She wouldn\u2019t just up and leave without saying anything,\u201d I said, flicking the ash from my cigarette.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe she\u2019s taking this harder than we thought.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked over at him, \u201cHow are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n
For the first time since I came out, he looked at me, clearly still trying to hold back tears. He looked tired. He sighed and replied, \u201cIt\u2019s hard, you know. I think about how Dolly,\u00a0Breta, and Billy won\u2019t remember her. She won\u2019t be here for the big things. She won\u2019t be here to see you walk Pearl down the aisle, or meet Margie\u2019s kids, or to tell you to go easy on us if Billy and me do anything stupid.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou could always just not do anything stupid. I know I\u2019d prefer that option,\u201d I said, trying to lighten the mood a little.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt just makes me not want to see or do any of that stuff because I know she won\u2019t be there to smile and weep with tears of joy,\u201d he took another drag.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe won\u2019t be, but we will. We all have to be here for each other, and she\u2019ll see the big things. She\u2019ll always be watching.\u201d I put my arm around the boy and sighed. \u201cBesides, with Pearl\u2019s temper, you\u2019re liable to lose all your teeth if you skip out on her wedding.\u201d This earned a full belly laugh from Ernie. When the laughing came to an end, we just sat in silence and looked out onto Grafton Street.<\/p>\n
\u201cDad?\u201d Ernie mumbled.<\/p>\n
\u201cHmm?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMom\u2019s dead\u2026\u201d he said, as if the realization just hit him.
\nI took a deep breath, \u201cYup, but we still have our memories. No one\u2019s taking those away.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":55,"menu_order":5,"template":"","meta":{"pb_show_title":"on","pb_short_title":"","pb_subtitle":"","pb_authors":["andrew-affleck"],"pb_section_license":""},"chapter-type":[],"contributor":[67],"license":[],"class_list":["post-105","chapter","type-chapter","status-publish","hentry","contributor-andrew-affleck"],"part":25,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.upei.ca\/artsreview-ix\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/105","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.upei.ca\/artsreview-ix\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.upei.ca\/artsreview-ix\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/chapter"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.upei.ca\/artsreview-ix\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/55"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.upei.ca\/artsreview-ix\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/105\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":252,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.upei.ca\/artsreview-ix\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/105\/revisions\/252"}],"part":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.upei.ca\/artsreview-ix\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/parts\/25"}],"metadata":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.upei.ca\/artsreview-ix\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapters\/105\/metadata\/"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.upei.ca\/artsreview-ix\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=105"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"chapter-type","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.upei.ca\/artsreview-ix\/wp-json\/pressbooks\/v2\/chapter-type?post=105"},{"taxonomy":"contributor","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.upei.ca\/artsreview-ix\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/contributor?post=105"},{"taxonomy":"license","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pressbooks.library.upei.ca\/artsreview-ix\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/license?post=105"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}